Life could be so perfect.
But we fear the same things.
It kills me that I have to click the "anonymous" button in order to tell you these things that have been bothering me excessively lately. Spencer, I miss you. There's simply no other precise words to explain my tangled thoughts and emotions towards you. I know you lack in the "mutual feeling" area, and I know you've moved on. And, all there is left for me is to except it... But saying is easier than doing.
Maybe the problem is that you feel you have to be anonymous about things. Just be straight up. I don’t remember the last time anything bad came out of somebody being honest with me.
Can I just not have to be a man for like five seconds. Can I just be honest with myself in that sometimes I feel sad, or upset.
I hate that I still dream about you. I fucking hate it. Because I’m trying to move on, but I can’t. Just with life in general. You gave me something to work toward. And now it’s all fucked.
I miss sneaking you back home in the mornings before your parents would wake up. I miss the imprints my porch chairs would leave on your butt. I miss King. I miss playing with the kids. I miss ruining your meals with my shitty cooking. I miss Skyping all the time, yet never Skyping. I miss playing stupid games with you online. I hate that I can’t show you how good at Just Dance I’ve gotten. I miss getting side-tracked with you and driving wherever we wanted to. I miss getting high with you and then going to the movies. I miss going to Six Flags with you all the time, yet not always actually going in. I miss how uncomfortable your dad made me feel. I miss picking you up before you were finished getting ready and napping on your bed. The list fucking goes on. Most of all though I think, is that I miss our fucking humor. On point, babe. Every time.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Why is this hard for me now? It was so easy at first.